For The First Time
by Asha Davis
Summary: For the first time on a mission, Chase experiences fear.


**Here's a deep, heartfelt monologue, because hey, who doesn't like deep, though felt monologues every now and then?**

My heart beats faster, my brain screaming at me to stop. Every bit of logic inside of my head tells me this is a bad idea, but I don't know why. I've done this a thousand time before. It's just a simple mission. Get some workers out of the building, and shut of a gas leak. It's a slightly dangerous mission, but nothing we aren't capable of handling. So why do I have this feeling. I've never felt this feeling before. I want to call it fear, but that's not what it is. It can't be. Why would I suddenly starting to feel fear? After everything we have gone through, why now? We defeated Krane and his bionic army. We saved Mr. Davenport from an untimely death, heck, we even stopped a bionic rebellion! And all that stuff is things we have done recently. That excludes Douglass and Marcus, all the other dire missions we have been on, and electronic misshapes like the exoskeleton and evil Eddy. I've survived the trident app, more than once. I've stopped my two, older and stronger siblings from destroying my family. Plus, let's not forget the avalanche episode. That was almost very bad.

It's not like I've never been scared or worried during any of these times. Of course I have felt fear during a mission before. It's only natural, but never have I thought about turning back. Never has it caused me to be hesitant or hold back. Why is it now? Maybe, what I am feeling isn't fear. Maybe, I am feeling something different. No, this is fear. I have no doubt that's what this is. The problem is, this is an irrational fear. I'm not in the mist of possible death. We have this situation under control, relatively. So where did this unpleasant feeling come from?

This isn't the first time I have felt this. Over the past couple weeks this feeling has been there. Hiding in the deep caves of my mind. Up until now, I have been able to convince myself that it isn't actually there. It's just an illusion. I don't have fear, I can't have fear. I am mission leader, I am the smartest person ever, and I am fearless. At least I am supposed to be. When did this all start? When did I first start feeling this, this, this…. fear?

Then it hits me. A couple weeks ago, that's when this all started. I sprained my ankle on a mission. It wasn't anything to major. I iced it, and two weeks later I was back on missions, but things were different. It was a minor injury, if you could even call it one. However, ever since then it was like a certain realization hit me, I'm not indestructible.

I already knew that before, of course. I've had run-ins with physical limitations in the past. The time Mr. Davenport froze me, the time I got stuck under all that stupid snow and ice, and of course there were the times I almost blew my head off from using two abilities at once. Then there is all the times Adam and Bree "reminded" me that they were physically superior to me. Spraining my ankle was more than just a ban from missions for a couple days. It was more than a training set back, it was a reminder of my humanity.

Being bionic makes it easy to forget that I am still human. There might be metal inside my body, and I might be genetically enhanced compared to the rest of the world, but I'm still human. Sometimes, I forget to count myself when I think about humans, mankind or humanity. I mean I have all these crazy abilities. Regular humans can't do the things I can.

It sounds stupid, I know. How can I be scared of something as simple as a mission, when I have done them so many times before? The only way I can describe it is a dog scared to go to the end of the property line, when they know they will be zapped by their electric collar and invisible fence. You can take the collar off the dog or turn off the fence, but the dog will still be scared to go the end of the property line. I got zapped, and now I am scared to go back.

I hate this feeling. I feel weak and helpless. I can suck it up and get the job done just as well, but I still have the looming, dark feeling inside of me. It makes he a little hesitant, it makes me second guess myself. I know the science of what I am doing works out. I should be confident then, right? I am a man of science, then why don't I trust it? How can I even think of questioning the science? I even want to question Mr. Davenport, when he gives us order or instructs us on a mission? It takes a lot for me to continue acting like nothing is different.

I haven't even talked about the worst part yet. When mission alerts used to go off I used to feel, excited. I wasn't happy that someone was in danger and needed our help, but I was excited that I got to go on a mission. Missions used to be where I was the most confident. It used to be where I could show off all my talents and abilities, it's where I got to see all my hard work pay off. Now, I don't feel exited when the mission alert goes off. I feel something different, I feel…. Dread, almost. Don't get me wrong, I still absolutely love what I do. Helping people, my bionics, the training, it's my whole life. I don't know what I would do without it. It's just now I have the thought, what if something happens on the mission. What if someone gets hurt, or worse? I want to talk to someone about what I have been feeling, but I can't bring myself to do it. I guess I'll just have to suck it up and deal. I mean, no one has gotten seriously hurt on a mission before, why would anything change now, right?

 **Alright, that was a random one shot that popped inside my head. So I based all of what Chase is feeling on personal experience. I do what you would call an extreme sport, in a way. I promise I'm not being wussy when I say its hard sport. It's one that 95% of the world wouldn't have to guts to do (the word ball and board are nowhere in the name ( ; ). So I understand what it's like to have a bad accident and then have to get back at it as if nothing happened. The hardest thing about extreme sports is when you have a not so friendly reminder of your own humanity and destructibility.**


End file.
